


The Fellowship of the Blood Diamond: PathFuckery, The Misadventure

by WhiskeyBuffalo



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Pathfinder (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fuckery, Greatness, LOTR, Lit as fuck, M/M, Magic, Multi, Open World, Orcs, Other, Role-Playing Game, That's what, Wizards, rogue - Freeform, what even is this?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 19:30:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6718804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiskeyBuffalo/pseuds/WhiskeyBuffalo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four seemingly benign adventurers fuck everything up. They then set out to do...something.</p><p>An actual Pathfinder game that is in-progress, turned into a narrative for the sake of hilarity. We get pretty messed up during these games, so we don't always adhere perfectly to the rules. Also, artistic license.</p><p>It's weird, it's awesome, it has Snakey.</p><p>All hail Snakey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fellowship of the Blood Diamond: PathFuckery, The Misadventure

Once, long ago, in the land of Cannibisia there were four heroes of world renowned. So great was their power that they could turn away mighty storms of the sea and face the hordes of vile creatures on their own. They were loved throughout the land. Together they stood for bravery, valor, and most of all, justice.

They were the White Knights.

This is not their story.

As it is with most of remembered history, the remembering seems to stop right before any mention of a hero’s hired help. It is simply not glamorous. Yet, the White Knights also required this assistance, servants to do the work distasteful to them. They were the champions of legend! How could one expect such awe-striking men and women to carry their own equipment, prepare their own food, or clean their horses’ shit?

And so it was that as the White Knights began their greatest quest yet, to destroy the terrible and powerful Dark Lord Balthios, they stopped in a small town to acquire hired hands. Little did they know that this one act, this gathering of seemingly benign strangers into one place, would cause a chain of events that would resonate throughout the worlds forever. The hired men and women were named as follows:

Elarian the Thrower of Ilsnerputen, the Asimar Rogue.

Bruh the Flipper of Stobalee, the Drow other-Rogue.

Brythak the Badger Fighter of Orclandia, the the Half-Orc with her animal companion, Miel.

And finally,

Samos the Faded Mage of Nowhere, the Half-Elf Wizard with his familiar, Snakey.

Thus the unlikely group of strangers and heroes departed from the small town of Whogivesashitaville to begin their epic journey.

 

 

<><><><><> 

 

 

“Wizard!”

Robin, the Cleric of the White Knights – a powerful and fierce looking woman – called out impatiently to main party behind her, beckoning Samos. The dark, thin man trotted up to her, stumbling and nearly falling several times, a large camel loping awkwardly behind him.

“Samos at your service, what’d you need?”

Robin’s eyebrows creased at the informality of the wizard, and her nose wrinkled at the odor of the camel.

“You do speak the Abyssal language, yes?”

“Sure do, your knightlyness.”

“Good,” Robin said, though the scowl on her face seemed to indicate something else entirely. “When we have slain Balthios, we shall require you to decipher many of his magical scrolls.” She gestured to the carefully bound leather pack she was wearing. “He is fond of the vile language, and I fear to even gaze upon them while he still lives.”

Samos grinned widely. “Why, of course.” He was being paid quite handsomely for his services, as were his other hired comrades. Anything these uppity heroes wanted of him, he would gladly do. “Was there anything else?”

Robin eyed the camel looming behind the wizard suspiciously. “Why does that beast of burden follow you?”

“Beast of burden? Oh ho! No, you are mistaken.” Samos laughed, a high keening sound. “This elegant creature you see here is my familiar!”

“Wizards do not keep _camels_ as familiars.” The cleric said sharply.

“No, no they do not.” Samos shook his head as he rested his hand on the beast’s furry head. The camel stared dumbly into sun and seemed to make a light hissing noise. “Ol’ Snakey here actually has the _mind_ and _soul_ of a viper. His old proper slithering body had an unfortunate accident.” Samos sighed absently. “A _minor_ accident. But I digress. This camel body is inhabited by Snakey’s powerful spirit.”

Robin stared at the wizard in disbelief. “So the camel actually a _snake_?”

“Oh yes, ma’am.”

So shocked was Robin that she failed to notice that the Wizard had finally chosen to address her formally.

“But how…?”

“You know, I actually don’t remember. Odd week that one. Experimenting with the effects of cactus juice from the southern plains…”

Robin held up her hand, cutting him off. “I’ve changed my mind, I do not want to know. Go back and join the others. I shall call on you if I need you.” She turned briskly away from the Faded Mage, dismissing him.

Samos laughed to himself as he stumbled back to the main group, Snakey the snake-camel tottering beside him.

 

* * * * *

 

In the distance, a great crystalline spire seemed to rise out of the horizon, shining brilliantly in the late-noon sun, shimmering in the multitudes of colors.

Elarian thought it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.

“Barzul!” Brythak swore, shading her eyes from the bedazzling tower. The Orc’s badger, Miel, was clinging to the Fighter’s back, quietly gnawing on her ear. “That gaudy thing is _blinding_ as all hell.”

“Language, Brythak.” Bruh whispered sharply.

Elarian frowned. She didn’t think the spire, or the associated Seclusium it belonged to, was gaudy at all. A little extravagant perhaps, it did belong to a very powerful and dangerous wizard – not Samos of course, Balthios –, but the way it glinted in the sunlight was _rapturous._

She was also, perhaps, a little high as hell. She had been sharing sandwiches with Samos, who she now knew made them with an abundance of cannabis oil.

“Oh don’t get all high and mighty (Elarian giggled to herself. _‘high’. Hehehe…)_ with me.” Brythak rolled her eyes at Bruh. “The shit that comes out of your mouth is just as vulgar, if not worse, than what comes out of mine.”

“Yeah, sure.” Bruh hissed as harshly and quietly as he could, shooting furtive, paranoid looks at their employers. Miel hissed back. “But that was before we got hired by a bunch of _godlings_ with the silver spoons of Self-Righteousness and Justice jammed up their asses.”

Elarian looked ahead. The White Knights rode in front of their group of hirelings and were currently having an apparently frustrating conversation with Samos. They seemed to keep a conscious distance between themselves and their less glamorous servants. Certainly out of earshot of any normally audible conversation.

Brythak seemed to come to the same conclusion.

“Bruh, you’re being ridiculous.” She looked between Elarian and Bruh, seeing that they had similarly glazed expressions, and laughed. “Have you two been eating sandwiches with Samos?”

Bruh and Elarian both nodded dumbly, though the Half-Celestial was smiling about it.

“Ha!” Brythak laughed riotously, which seemed to help ease the Drow Rogue. “You’re as stoned as a mountain!” She leaned over to Bruh and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, bumping both of their burgeoning packs of equipment together. Miel climbed onto Bruh’s head and started grasping at his hair. “They can’t hear you from over there, you’ll be fine.”

“If you say so…” Bruh said slowly, though he seemed to visibly relax at the reassurance, despite the curious badger on his face.

 

* * * * *

 

“Our servants seem to be saying some rather _vulgar_ things.” Norman, the Fighter of the White Knights, said as the Wizard shambled back to his companions. Through much experience and many enchantments, the elf’s hearing was far greater than normal ken. “And most of them seem to be under the influence of some kind of inebriating plant.”

“No matter.” The Sorcerer, Rectus, sneered, imposing in his white cloak. “We only need them for menial tasks. Most of them will likely perish anyway.” Romni, the Paladin, gave Rectus a sour look, to which he shrugged.

“Just stating facts.” The sorcerer said dismissively.

“Well don’t let the Wizard get killed.” Robin said from her place at the head of the group, her pure white stallion plodding beside her gallantly. “He seems a strange and despicable sort, but I want him to decipher those scrolls.”

“Do you believe what he says about his ‘familiar?”

Robin sighed. “Unfortunately, I do. It’s unnatural, it is, but I don’t sense any dark intentions about the man. He’s just…odd.”

“Ha! I’ll say. And stoned too!” Norman bellowed humorously.

Romni rolled his eyes, but did offer a small smile. “Whatever you do, do not accept any food prepared by Samos. Otherwise, the fool is likely harmless.”

They all had a good laugh about that.

Funny how these things work out.

 

* * * * *

 

It was late-evening when the party finally began to approach the Seclusium, and Brythak had to concede that she was beginning to understand Elarian’s flowery babble. The fortress was huge and magnificent to behold, and – as much as it rubbed against the grain of her orcishness to admit – quite beautiful.

She thought it might be fun to break it.

“How does Balthios keep this much crystal from toppling over?” Brythak wondered aloud.

“It’s diamond, actually.” Samos offered from behind the Half-Orc, startling her. “And he uses _very_ powerful magic to keep it in this form.” The wizard passed a dazed, reverent look up the Seclusium, smiling absently. “I’m sure that only a spell prepared by the man himself could undo the structure. Razzledorf has always been well known for very showy magic.”

“And who in the freshly fucked hell is _Razzledorf?_ ” Brythak asked.

“Oh it’s his real, given name.” Samos said matter-of-factly. “Doesn’t like others to know about it, you can imagine. I believe he changed it to ‘Balthios’ after the Massacre of Burtlandio, to sound more menacing.”

“Was that the one where he turned everyone in a town inside-out?”

“Turned inside-out and _exploded_.” Samos nodded. “As I said, _very showy magic._ ”

“Mercy.” Brythak grimaced. Gruesome. She thought she heard one of the White Knights ahead make a short retching sound, but it was hard to be sure.

 

* * * * *

 

The group had almost reached the foot of the Balthios’ stronghold, and Bruh was starting to come down off of Samos’ cannabis sandwiches. Not entirely, but enough so that he was able to relax and begin to enjoy the sensation.

“Feeling better?” Elarian asked the human rogue with a smile, almost as if she could sense his coming down.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Bruh smiled good-naturedly. Things were still rather colorful, but that was a nice thing. “Not my first ride, but _damn_.” He let loose a long whistle. “That stuff is strong.”

Elarian waved her hands mystically in the air. “ _Beware the magically enchanted marijuana._ ”

Bruh laughed at that. “I should’ve known. Wizards grow the weirdest strands, and they put the stuff in _everything_.”

“So they do.” Elarian said smiling.

Bruh and Elarian shared bawdy jokes the rest of the way to the Seclusium. Brythak and Samos joined in as well, though Samos seemed to only offer strange puns that only Elarian thought humorous. Occasionally the Wizard’s camel – Snakey – would make a sort of choked hissing sound as if laughing at a particular joke.

They went on like this until they reached the very entrance of the structure, at which point Robin the Cleric turned about and addressed the whole group for the first time since their departure.

“Alright, listen up!” Robin addressed the group heroically, as if giving a speech to a motivated crowd who gave a crap. “Within the doors ahead of you is the most dangerous wizard in a hundred years. Today his reign of terror ends!” Brythak rolled her eyes, earning a scolding look from the Cleric.

“Myself and my fellow knights will enter the Seclusium and slay the Dark Lord Balthios (‘ _Razzledorf’_ Samos muttered under his breath). You will wait here, outside the entrance, until we return. And also…” She removed the pack of scrolls she had been carrying and placed them roughly in Brythak’s arms. Rectus, the Sorcerer, took a similar pack, approached Samos, thought better of it, and placed it with Elarian instead.

“Watch these diligently, for they are the enchanted scrolls of Balthios, and many of them contain powerful magic. We must keep them from him.”

Bruh looked between Elarian and Brythak, feeling somehow guilty for not being also burdened with a large, unwieldy pack as they were. Yet, it didn’t seem his place to offer to share the load. He had the passing thought that they could place the scrolls on Snakey, but one look at the strange camel immediately displaced the notion as a very, very bad idea.

“Alright!” Robin said with finality. “Stay here, and stay watchful. We’re off to slay the wizard! When we return, we shall return with the head of the Dark Lord Balthios.”

And with that, the Cleric and her companions, the White Knights, turned around and strode stoically in the Seclusium.

 

* * * * *

 

“So, that sounds like fun.” The noise of battle was raging fierce and loud from deep within the diamond tower, and the look on Brythak’s face was pained with longing _._ “And here we are literally doing _nothing_ while a legendary battle rages on just beyond our reach.” The orc huffed sadly. “Shit.”

Samos shrugged with a smile. He was still rather stoned and was eyeing some mushrooms growing on a nearby stump. “We are getting paid very well to do nothing, and that’s fine with me.”

“Hey, me too.” Bruh chimed in, bumping fists with Samos. “Fuck that Balthios guy. Or Razzeldorf. Or whoever the fuck he is. I’m pretty sure there’s a brothel in the next town over, so let’s get _paid_.”

“Yes…Sir...” Samos replied happily, dazing off into the setting sun as Elarian grinned and rolled her eyes.

Brythak laughed. “Whatever you say, man. Those whores will take one look at you and fucking _run_ \- Miel, fuck off!” The honey badger was curiously picking at the pack filled with scrolls that Brythak was carrying, fidgeting with knot that secured it. “Miel, dude you do not want to mess with that shit, come on bud… AW FUCK!” The orc shouted as the knot came undone and the scrolls spilled out onto the ground.

The scrolls rolled about haphazardly, though most didn’t go far. However, one scroll in particular rolled further than the others, finding the improbable path that let straight to the feet of stoned wizard, jolting him out of his stupor.

“What have we got here?” Samos said, snapping back to an awareness of his surroundings. He leaned down, picked up the scroll and, before anyone could stop him, read it aloud.

“ _Dispel Magic.”_ He said curiously, glanced at the Seclusium, and, when nothing seemed to happen, shrugged. “Hardly seems like _dark_ and _powerful_ magic to me…”

And then the air grew still and cold.

“Oh shit…” Elarian said under her breath.

A sound like a million pounds of glass shattering in slow motion and all at once ruptured the air. Unconsciously the party stepped quickly back from the diamond tower as it, impossibly, began to shrink. The sounds of battle emanating from inside the structure stopped. The tower gradually began to collapse into itself. Faster and faster…

And then, the unholy sounds of pure, incomprehensible terror and agony. A haunting, horrible cacophony of pain that sounded sort of like this:

“ _aaaAAAAAAAA_ _AAAAAAAAAAA_ _AAAA_ _AAAAAAAAAAAGG **GGGOOOOOOOOOODDDDDAAAARGHHHH-** ”_

Except, you know, with actual screaming.

In its last, the Seclusium sped toward minimization at a frightening degree. A red mist exploded outwards inside the diminishing building. As the tower continued to shrink, the bloody spray coated the walls, shrunk with the rest, condensed, minimized…

And soon, all that was left of the Seclusium, of Dark Lord Balthios and all of the White Knights, was a blood red diamond resting in a crater. The most powerful beings in the world, reduced to so much blood and anguish.

Samos cautiously stepped toward the Blood Diamond, picked it up from the ground and let loose and long solemn whistle, Snakey the Camel hissing by his side.

“Well _fuck_.”


End file.
